Dear Diary,
When I was young (err... younger!!), I fall in love so frequently. One day I'd fall in love with one boy I know at Mak Yah's house where we religiously mengaji day in and day out, another day I'd fall in love with a couple of boys I know at Sekolah Agama - a privilege as this was the only place I actually got to meet boys, a chance which was deprived by SK Convent. My prey ranged vastly, from the boy next door, the boy I saw at Kedai Mo'in - d local grocery shop at Jalan Daud, to the boy I met at Hock Hai supermarket - which I think by now, was closed for good. Love for me, then, must be really cheap, and to fall in and out of love, was no big deal at all. Easy. Like a snap of the finger- or better said, snap of a couple of fingers cause I could fall in love with 10s of boys at the same time, no problem.
When I reached my late teenage era, I experienced certain level of an indentity crisis. I dressed a bit boyish, with caps and jeans and tshirts. But it didn't stop my habit to easily fall in love. For instance, during A-Levels, I fell in love with all kinds of boys ranging from Class Account 1 to Law 10. And that covered Engineering 7 and 8 too. Again, l have discounted love. I actually had fun.
To fall in love was easy. Perhaps because I don't see the value of love. Even then, I had a problem. Let me confess, love itself found difficulty to fall for me. No matter how hard I tried, those boys I mentioned above, seemed to think that I was invincible somehow. There was no reponse whatsoever. Frankly though, I was as timid as a mouse when it came across a cat. Off course for dignity's sake, I didn't confess. Nor did I give any bits of a hint. Orang melayu kata "syok sendiri" to the highest level! But honestly, even if I did give a hint, still, I don't think those boys would care to love me back. Pathetically, there was this one time when Chokeng, my best of friend at school, who obviously had the same problem as I was, came down to the conclusion that those boys in our school were damn blind and moronic, that they fell in love to fat, ugly girls, rather than the 2 of us, of whom we deemed as being rather "hot", "not fat" and "pretty". I met Chokeng again early this year after so many, many years of not seeing each other and the statement exchanged happily between us in between our giggles was "Oh yeah... kita kawin jugak akhirnya!!! Hahahaha.." Point is, oh yeah...!! Finally there's 1 boy noticed us, and care to fall in love with us. Pathetic isn't it? But that's the truth, I finally made up my mind to fall in love the last time; and love, finally, made up its mind, to fall for me, the first time.
My perspective towards love, then, and somehow, sommersaulted post this situation - when love fall for me, a.k.a marriage.
Dear Diary, why am I disclosing this deepest secret of me?
No. 1. Now I see the value of love. Feeling it and experiencing it. No. 2. There is this person of whom I love. I care in a way that anything that makes her sad, will definitely make me sad. I know her well and I love her most. I have always thought of her as my own flesh and blood. In her case, unlike mine, love did fall for her a couple of times. But this time, I think, if not for the first time, it's the second time that she falls in love. All this while, I think she had trouble falling in love. Like I said, I will be the happiest if she's happy. But at the same time, I will be the saddest, if she is sad. And now love embraces her, I feel hessitant. Out of 10, my hessitancy for her falling in love this time, is 8.
Dear Diary, I wish I could say this to her. I wish I can tell her it is not worth it. But I know I can't blurt it out as I think I am not in the position to do so. And I too do not want to cause a stir. I understand the sensitivity. But, due to this love and care for her, I just want her to know that Love in as much as it is beautiful, it keeps within itself, ugliness. Love is about sharing, but if you ain't careful, it could be very selfish. You can be addicted to love, but addiction is harmful. Love can sway you, but it could outthrow you far if it swayed too hard.
But Diary, the thing about love, especially if it is sacredly coupled with marriage, you will want to be swayed by it, you will want to be selfish about it. You will want to be addicted. You will want it all the time. Love and marriage, in my opinion, are complex. It is not a "for-fun" thing.
Dear Diary, tell her that for me. Tell her that it's not worth falling in love this way. Tell her that to commence love at the expense of the sadness of others, is even worst.
I love her Diary, please tell her that too. I love her, and always will, whatever decision she makes.
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