Krabi and the Andaman

Dear Diary,

It’s been so long. I was last asked to write something out but only after a lot of persuasion, there came that short, meaningless one I wrote late last year. And the comment was that, that couldn’t count.

Well the truth is I am quite scared.

When something you have given a go, is ending, and before it ends, you somehow can feel it won’t work still. I am scared.

I am scared of what tomorrow shall bring.

 

Not Just Yet

Dear Diary,

Hi.. how are you? It's been years right.. when was the last time I wrote? I'm not sure what has gotten into me that I started to think about you again recently. Perhaps, as always it's because I have no others to turn to. Hmm.. I sound weird that way.. well, not that there's no company per se... I do have people around me still, don't worry ... just that I don't feel like being friendly lately. You know those days when you prefer to eat alone at the canteen rather than calling for your buddy to join. Or those days when you feel like retiring in the dark bedroom rather than to join the merriment of the day with your siblings at mom's. Or those days when you just feel like sleeping, than to go out jimba-ing.

I guess this is enough - quite a para, aint it? Let's see if I have the heart to spill more later ..

Signing off for now...
Me.

WELL ...

Despair. That's the first thing I felt. Anger. It comes, but it went off immediately. Frustration. That stays. For a while now. Ego. That I have to learn to set aside. Stay low. That's quite easy. Let go. That's the most difficult.

This is the biggest sacrifice that I have to do for him. The one that I swallowed the hardest.

So they say, a tough cookie I am. Am I ?

LET'S TAKE A DEEP BREATH, OK ...

Dear Diary,

There are times when God loans you happiness just for a simple while. He then takes it back, and when you go too deep down into sorrow, He fairly pulls you up again. When you are up there, it’s either you thank Him and be grateful over the position he set you into, or, you get yourself lost in the midst of that contentment. The cycle continues. The duration to complete a cycle will depend, of course, as He determines it.

There are also times when you feel like your adrenaline to work was so high that you start to believe that your life is meant to be dedicated for it. Then when you are too high with that adrenaline, He fairly drags you down too. Perhaps so that you will remember that work is not everything. Work is not your life. Work is temporary. Work, if it’s a person, actually, doesn’t even notice you’ve drowned too deep, or soared too high. Work, if it’s alive, has no feelings. It doesn’t care. Work, if it has a body, will simply open its mouth, and all it cares is you, feeding and nutritive it with good food. Whose food, work doesn’t care. Even if you starve yourself to death just to feed work with your own foods, it still doesn’t care.

Then you start to feel like the unworthiness eerie, gloomy feeling starts to creep in. You feel at lost because what you believe is so true, is actually so untrue. What you believe is so sacred, actually is so awfully secular. That is the time when you also have 2 options, either to calm down, or to scream and fight. Truthfully, it’s extremely difficult to do both, and that’s the reality. You feel trapped and suffocated. You feel like you “have” to go. No longer “wanting” to go.

Notes – The walls whisper. He knows. Up above, and with bona fide intention, action and reaction, good points will be scored. There’s no visible Account Books on these points. We can’t check on the balance of the points we scored (or slashed, for that matter) – Or we will be overtly obsessed with scoring the points. And becoming KPI oriented. With God.

~ Taking a deep breath – inhale and exhale. Checking from time to time on intention, action and reaction. Meanwhile, the cycle continues. And invisible points scored, hopefully.

SILENCE IS GOLDEN

Dear Diary,

HP quoted this some 4 days ago in his FB, and I "liked" it :-

"Sometimes we let affection go unspoken, sometimes we let our love go unexpressed, sometimes we can't find words to tell our feelings .. especially towards those we love the best."

Him being him, he asked me cheekily why I "liked" it?

Well HP, it's not easy to vent out your feeling, ain't it? It could be love, as you well put it, but it could be hatred too. It could be frustration. It could be sadness. It could be anger. It could be everything we felt in our heart. The  point is, it's not easy to tell. To say out loud what's boiling inside your heart.

Someone whom I felt deep frustration and anger gave me the unexpected chance to let-it-all-out recently. Even in my emotional, frustrated, angry state, I knew it wouldn't do me any good to flare everything at him.

It is just not easy to tell. It is not easy to open up. I decided to leave my feelings unspoken and unexpressed.

Well, part of it, at least!

This photo has nothing got to do with this post.
I want to vent my feeling for this photo though - I just love it. Every single thing about it.

SO IT GOES ...

Dear Diary,

So it goes, something like this ...

Everybody needs inspiration

Everybody needs a song

A beautiful melody when the night's so long

Cause there is no guarantee that this life is easy

When my world is falling apart

When there's no light to break up the dark

That's when I look at You

When the waves are flooding the shore

And I can't find my way home anymore

That's when I look at You

Kan ... ? Nice piece.

CORRONATION STREET

Dear Diary,

It's 10 mins to 2 am Saturday nite. Me staying up to finish up some unfinished business. Office business of course.

I've been doing this stay-up thing for quite some many weeks already. Many weekends. Bring home office work almost every day, staying up after the kids were tugged in bed.

I'm quite tired and bored over this actually.

Tired. Mentally and physically.

Bored. To death.

Never ending. Like the English soap - Corronation Street.

Taken en route our journey to the highlands - Berwick upon Tweed
Most Northern part of English soil. Nearing the Scottish border.
Am quite close to my border too now. Oh God, please help me.